bello.

i dont know what it was. maybe the air rushing past my hand out the window, maybe the windy roads, maybe the clear blue sky, maybe the view from way up above, but whatever it was, it was amazing. it was so calming. relaxing. and much needed.
we got to talk a lot. some conversations a little deep, some way out of the ordinary, and some with no words at all. laughing ninety percent of the time, at each other, about how tough the hike up was, how funny the pictures were, or at the other people there.
laying on the top of the mountain on a cool rock in the shade looking out, thinking about the horizon so far in the distance and the unfathomable number of people in the world. it couldnt get much better.
no thoughts of school, being so busy, or stress. it was freeing. i was never ready to leave. i was never bored. no cell phones, no distractions, no one else was there that we knew. we couldnt be bothered or interrupted.
in the car singing out to the songs we both liked and knew every word to. occasionally making hand motions and some interpretive dance moves. feelings of apathy towards what the other thought. it was comfortable. it hilarious.
it was flawless.

today.

today was very eventful to say the least.
where should i start? lets say about 549 this morning when i was supposed to meet spencer at mc donalds in order to follow him to soup kitchen. wellll. that didnt really work out considering spencers alarm clock doesnt work. and now it really doesnt work considering he smashed it this morning when he finally woke up at 8.
so when i finally decided that he wasnt coming after three phone calls, one voice mail, and a number of john mayer songs, i left and went back home to sleep. unaware that i wouldnt wake up until 5 minutes afterrr i was supposed to leave for school. then, because they are building a wallgreens right off of 150 (the way a go to school) the light was double backed up. so that was kind of stressful.
when i finally got to school after going 60 basically the whole way there, i open my car door, get my stuff out of the trunk, and start walking. then the final bell rings. awesome. im late for ap chem. it was okay though because mrs wells doesnt really take attendance all that much, so i dont think she wrote me down for being late, but i cant say that for sure.
so the bell rings to end zero period and i see spence walking down the hall towards me looking a little upset. and i see his swolen hand that he had smashed the alarm clock with and listened to the story of his morning and didnt even care anymore at all that he didnt show up because i knew he really felt bad and really cared.
so how about we just skip to calculus. i would rather not type about this but i will because it infuriates me. my teacher is so mean. she is mean to me and everyone else. she makes you feel like you are nothing, stupid, and shouldnt be in that class to begin with. since today was interum day, she calls me up to write my grade down and what is it. an f. yes, thats right. chelsea made an f. after that, she continues to write how i have such a low test grade, i have insufficient homework efforts(when i do ALL of my homework), and i need to come in for help. okay first of all i do not want help from that lady. she will just look at me like im stupid if i ask her anything. and secondly, she was so rude to me, i dont even want to talk to her anyway.
so then after a little venting to aaron about everything in english, i finally get to go home. i finish my calc homework, and decide to go to the y to do the treadclimber to work off some pudge. however when i pull out of my garage and down my drive way, i can barely steer the car. i pull back in the drive way, marks all over it btw, and get out of my car to be faced with the first complication with my car since i have been driving. a flat tire. a really flat tire. so that was pretty cool.
so now i had to get a ride to the fall retreat meeting and jordan was basically the only one who could take me, and she was leaving at 430 to go look at homecoming dresses, so i went with her. it was here i decided that i do not like to dress shop. it is much too stressful. much. buttt it has to be done. although i dont know whenn i am going to get that done. i must say though, i am throughly excited about homecoming. very.
that was basically the gist of my day.
lovely? mmm not exactly.

love.

i think my favorite word is love. yeah, it is.
john mayer said this in a live show and he stopped in the middle of bold as love and said this. ( well this is only part of it) "..what im saying is that ive messed with all the approaches except for one, and its gonna sound really corny but thats just loovvee. thats just love. ive done everything in my life that i wanna do except just give and feel love for my living. and i dont mean like roman candle firework hollywood hot pink love. i mean like i got your back love. so im gonna experiment with this love thing. givin love, feelin love, i know it sounds really corny but its the last thing i got to check out, before i check out."

i love reading that and i always skip in the middle of that song on my ipod playing in my room to listen to it as i get ready in the mornings. but really, isnt that great? just love. it solves basically all problems. love. and it can go in different directions, too. like love can be for someone else. or it could be the verb, to love. "givin love, feelin love, sharin love" i love it.oh and have you ever thought about how many songs have the word love in them or are about love? there are tons. and they're my favorite kinds.

'it always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. love never fails.'


i wanna have that one person that doesnt just have roman candle firework hollywood hot pink love for me, i want the i got your back love! doesnt everyone? i mean cmon. the name of roman candle hollywood hot pink love sounds pretty sweet, but when it comes down to it, im gonna go for the second one for sure. thats the real stuff. the other is just a cover with a cool name. i want deep love, i want the i got your back love. it takes time and work but its worth it, i know it is.thats the kind of love everyone should be giving out. and people should be receiving. thats what will make everything all worth while.

so how about we pass the cool names and fake stuff and get to the real deal.

thats what i say.

ephesians 6:11

' put on the armor of god so that you can take your stand against the devils schemes.'

i think that says enough for today.

about nothing.

"you have to be willing to get happy about nothing." -andy warhol

i really like andy warhol. i was looking at his posters on his website and came across one that said this on it. ive been pondering this little quote for the past bit.

you have to be willing to get happy about nothing? well, if its nothing,.. everything is something. what exactly is nothing?

maybe its saying you have to get happy about not having everything, or not getting everything you wanted, or you have to be happy with what you have?

its really confusing to me. and i dont know why, but i cant get a good grasp around it.
oh, okay here.
you have to get happy about something that means something to someone else, but means nothing to you?

nevermind, i dont know.

essentially, nothing could be a lot of things. ironically.
you have to be willing to get happy about nothing.
this could go in so many directions!

i think this quote is much easier to intake than im making it.
maybe i should stop trying to analyze every little detail.

i do that a lot.

dear john mayer,

i have recently been visiting your website in hopes that you have written a new blog on your page.
however, each time i click from your home page to your blog, there is still the entry from july 31st.
please write again soon.
i would really like to read about the goonies or about the little boy issac that you were so kind to.
oh,
and whatever happened to the clip of the song 'taking on water' that you posted in april of this year?
you said you were working on it.
i would like to hear it. its been like 5 months. i mean whatever you have of it im sure ill love.
you were amazing in concert this summer by the way.
basically the highlight of my year.
please come to charlotte or raleigh next summer, i will be in the front row at one of those.
thats for sure.
until then, please update your blog.
-chelsea
p.s. your hair cut looks good.

keep me where the light is.

i have learned to be happy with who i am. some days seem to falter this philosophy, but besides those days, i am happy with myself. all you really have to do is think about what you have, and what so many people that you dont even know, who live miles and miles away dont have. and how blessed you are to have everything you have. even a computer, reading this blog. i mean, really. i know life gets in the way and problems arise that seem so big that you dont know if you can handle them, but think on the bright side of life sometime. thats what i am trying to do these days. optimism.
i know i talk about john mayer a lot, but its because i love his music so much. he just came out with a new cd with live music called "where the light is." i didnt buy the cd yet, but it came with a dvd of it and i bought it yesterday on itunes and watched the whole 2 hours 32 minutes and 38 seconds of it. in a way, his music seems to help that optimism that im striving for rise a little. thats part of the reason why its so great. take the song "heart of life"
Pain throws your heart to the ground.
Love turns the whole thing around.
No it won't all go the way it should.
But i know the heart of life is good.
just that is a little source of optimism. how awesome is that. much love for john mayer.

stop.

okay huuugeee news. i have bought the tickets already and am officially going to the john mayer concert on august 19th! can you say excited? i think excited is an understatement though. im going with margo and we have really good seats i think. they're in the middle and i think well be able to see him really well. i really cant wait. its going to make my whole year. i dont know how im going to be able to take it all in when im there. ill let you know how it goes in a couple months.
i read his blog, this was a while ago, but it was when we were watching the goonies in psych, and it was so weird because he wrote about the goonies. he has really good blogs, you should read them, whoever you are. there was one especially that was amazing that he wrote a while back. his way with words in it is awesome. maybe thats why hes such a good song writer? c: anyways, to save you the trouble of having to look up the entry that i am speaking of here it is.-

---FROM THE HEART....

I need to write this.

I've been traveling alone in Japan for the better part of three weeks now, and It's been so remarkable an experience for me that I can't book a ticket home yet. I haven't spoken very much out loud these days, but I've been thinking to myself in what feels like surround sound. I can see so many things clearly, and feel so connected to myself and the world around me that I need to share the perspective with you.

I'm already aware that when I sing, say or write anything, 50 percent of the response will be in support of it and the other 50 will want to discount it. This blog, though, is directed to 100 percent of people reading it. If my blog truly does have any cultural effect, then it should be used for more than just pictures of sneakers and funny youtube videos. (If you don't think my blog has any effect, than you can't by definition be reading this right now and therefore don't have to respond to it in any way. Isn't that tidy?)

What I'm about to write isn't about fame or success or celebrity or the media. That's my business.

This is about us all.

This is about a level of self consciousness so high in my generation, that it's actually toxic.

This is about the girl in her bedroom who poses in front of the camera she's awkwardly holding in her outstretched hand. She'll take a hundred photos until coming up with one she's happy with, which inevitably looks nothing like her, and after she's done poring over images of herself, will post one on her myspace page and then write something like " I don't give a f*ck what you think about me."

This is about the person trying out for American Idol, who while going off about how confident they are that they were born ready to sing in front of the world, are trembling so badly they can hardly breathe.

This is about me, the guy who walks through a throng of photographers into a restaurant like he's Paul Newman, but who leaves a "reject" pile of clothes in his closet so high that his cleaning lady can't figure out how one man can step into so many pairs of pants in a week.

This is about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog that subsists on tearing other people down but who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man.

This is about us all. Every one of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. And I think I'm done with that.

I'm not the first person to admit we're all self conscious, Kanye was. But what I want to do is to shed a little light on why we're all in the same boat, no matter the shape of the life we lead: because every one of us were told since birth that we were special. We were spoken to by name through a television. We were promised we could be anything that we wanted to be, if only we believed it and then, faster than we saw coming, we were set loose into the world to shake hands with the millions of other people who were told the exact same thing.

And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not. The paparazzo following me to the gym ain't gonna be Herb Ritts and the guy he's following ain't gonna be Bob Dylan. It's just a matter of how old you are once you embrace that fact. And for me, 30 sounds about right.

What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me.

Root for others.

Give more and expect the same in return, but over time.

Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that.

And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous career or of this life, which I hope takes place at the same time, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you.

I'm going quiet now.

John---

now tell me that is not amazingly amazing. alright so what i get out of this is be yourself i guess. i mean, stop striving for perfection. because its not attainable. stop trying to be who you are not. stop trying to just fit in to be like the rest of the world. to be like everyone else. what is that going to do for you other than being able to hide behind those accessories, whatever they may be. i mean c'mon really.. and stop trying to act like you're better than others for goodness sake. i mean i cant say ive never done it, but its just not worth the effort of it. because you're never going to be better. everyone is equally the same. and thats the way it should be and is supposed to be. so stop trying to change it.
- i just loved reading this blog because it really makes me think about a lot of things. and i hope it did the same for you.

I CANT WAIT FOR THE CONCERT.
' im going quiet now.'

incredible.

its a good feeling, really. do you ever just stop and think that any imaginable thing can happen at any moment? even in your most boring and troublesome moments, do not doubt a thing. you never know whats coming. not to say this because this has happened to me just recently. but i just think about this kind of stuff and its really incredible to me. for some reason.
i'm a pretty laid back girl, if i had it my way, id go back and live in the movie pride and prejudice. that is me.weird? hah. i know its just a movie and things may not have been that way, but that is so me. maybe for just a day. to not have all the chaos and craziness of everything around me, to live in a gorgeous built house in the country, and actually have a sit down meal with my family every meal. to have mail traveled to me and it be so exciting because it takes so long for it to arrive and its so personal. to meet unexpected guests and find curiosity and longingness. take me there. i want to go, just for a day.
i think the smile is what gets me, and the genuinely sincereness to people that really seems to capture my attention.
if i had more time, id write more.
ill write more tomorrow.